Beautiful Disaster
by mazarocks99
Summary: Ashley can't get her life straight, or maybe she just needs to find the right person to make her want to.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER::: I don't own anything BLAH BLAH BLAH.

This is an idea I've had for awhile. Ashley is wrapped in her self-destructive behavior and Spencer is the new girl. Can they meet half way and save each other?

Ashley's P.O.V

"Daddy stop, please don't go. Please" The world went dark as he left anyways. I was left on the pier scared as I realized I was all alone, again. So I ran. I ran down the pier but it never ended, it just endlessly led forward to where I thought he'd be waiting. He never came, and I started to fall. I was falling down a cliff into a sea of more darkness…

I stirred.

"Ashley, get your ass out of bed!" I heard an all to familiar voice yelling from outside of my bedroom door. I loved Kyla but her voice was way too happy for the morning. Ugh, did I ever have a headache. Remind me not to go drinking on school nights anymore. I lazily rolled out of bed and looked into the mirror at my reflection. Who are you Miss Ashley Davies, I still can't seem to figure it out. I think that might be one of my stangest habits; every morning I look into the mirror and try to see something. I still don't know what I'm looking for, but I always look for it; maybe some sort of happiness or clarity. Shuffling I slowly got dressed into a pair of low-rise jeans and a plain black tank top. Looking at my wrist I realized I should probably put a few bracelets on. I have a few awkward scars on my wrist that I don't ever feel like explaining to people, so they just get covered. I grabbed my keys and my purse then went to the bedroom next to mine to check on my half sister. Kyla is pretty much the only person in my life who I genuinely care for, no strings, no standards. She came into my life when I was about 7 because my father was never one to control his sperm. She's about 3 months younger than me, so that means Poppa sure knew how to wait it out. Her mother was sick and it turned out Raife Davies, the famous rock star, would have to finally man up and take care of his kid. But well, he never did much of that, leaving me and Kyla to fend for ourselves while he was out saving the world with his guitar. I hardly remember his touch or his smile. I see him about once a year, he comes over and brings Kyla and I a ton of gifts; must make him feel better. I guess he did something right though, seeing as I live in utter luxury now. And in case you were wondering, mommy dearest is pretty much never home. She wasn't caught out to be a mother to say the least. She comes over about once a week, gives us some money, and goes back out to her life. I guess I inherited that trait from her, the not caring thing. She can't care about anyone who isn't herself, and I must be the same way, or at least that's what they always told me. Who are they you ask? Those fantastic doctors who told me I was just depressed and then gave me pills. So Kyla and I weren't nurtured.. shoot us. I was raised by nannies and television.

Kyla and I walked outside of our unnecessarily huge home and walked to my Porsche S.U.V. I'm the driver because, well, Kyla's lazy. I opened my purse and pulled out my pack of Parliament Lights, I lit a cigarette and started driving to school. "Ash, you really should quit smoking you know?" Kyla looked worried, "You're only 17 and you really should kick that habit soon, you're gonna end up all cancery." Kyla always used the best words to describe everything, so talking to her never got boring.

I laughed, "Ky, you know I'm not gonna stop smoking, but thanks for not wanting me to be cancery. Its sweet." I giggled out as I said that last word, "Besides, what does it matter?" Kyla didn't bother answering that because I think deep down she knows it's pointless. By the time my cigarette was finished we were pulling into King High, the ugliest hellhole in Los Angeles, which I get to call my school.

As I'm walking towards my locker Kyla runs to greet her boyfriend Aiden, one of the only guys I can actually stand. He treats her well so what more can I ask for? I reach my locker and as soon as I'm punching in my combination two familiar hands cover my eyes. "Guess what I've got in my pocket jelly bean!?" I heard my friend Kelly's voice say. Well she isn't really my best friend, just the person who I seem to spend my time with lately, mostly because she gets my high. We use each other, so that's how we work out. She calls me jellybean because about a few months ago I had my wisdom teeth removed, and according to her, I looked like a big jellybean. Kelly and I had no true bonds. I didn't know her scars and she didn't know mine. I guess that made our friendship so good for both of us, no emotional baggage. I laugh in excitement, because that is just what I need right now. I had a rough night of dreaming and sometimes a girl just needs to forget. Reckless? Yeah, I am. Stupid? Incredibly, but the truth was I had no reason to stop being who I was. I wasn't happy, and I wasn't going to be happy, so what did it matter if I fucked my life up? Yeah, I'm negative. I just didn't like to feel. When I was high I was free from the pain I felt all day everyday.

Making sure nobody was watching she led me to the closest bathroom and we went into the large handicapped stall, so we could be together. She took three dubs out of her pocket and set up 4 long lines, 2 for each of us.

"So I talked to Scott last night and he is for sure throwing that party this weekend." She said right before I took my line in. Every once in awhile Kelly and me would get wired before school, it was our bonding time. We have a weird friendship. I think if we both straightened our lives out we could be even better friends, but we are both way too wrapped up in ourselves. But that what makes us so compatible I guess; we never have to give too much into the friendship.

"Ah that's going to be bomb!" I said as I finished my lines. I started laughing and so did she. "Saturday right?"

"Yeah, at his dad's beach house. I'm so excited because you and me gonna get crunk!" Her ghetto voice always made me laugh. She's like 5 feet yet she can put on the toughest ghetto girl act sometimes. Mad funny let me tell you. Scott came from a nice family. His dad was a lawyer and his mother was a successful businesswoman. They made good money, so Scott's parties were always off the hook. We were both done by this point, so we cleaned up and decided to leave the bathroom before anyone got suspicious. As we were about to walk out of the stall we realized there was somebody else in the restroom; we must not have heard the door open.

"Shhh, don't look suspicious" I whispered, but that was worthless as I looked in the mirror, our eyes were shot and I'm sure my heart racing could be heard across the country. I opened the stall slowly and there she was. I never thought somebody would take my breath away, and no, it's not the coke, it was definitely her. She turned around and pierced me with blue eyes. I saw something in those eyes but I couldn't read it. Not yet at least. I felt Kelly tugging at my arm "Lets go Ash" but she sounded miles away. I'd never seen such beautiful eyes. The rest of her was just as breathtaking as her eyes were though. She was taller than me, maybe around 5'6 with flowing blonde hair. Her skin was flawless and her tan was just right. I'd never seen her before and that was for sure.

"ASH!"

"Oh", I followed Kelly's arm as it pulled mine out of the bathroom, breaking my trance. Kelly started laughing, "What's so funny?"

"You man, you're funny. You might have drooled a bit too, wipe it up" I smiled as I thought of those blue eyes. Wow. All I could think was wow. She was beautiful, and I had to see her again.

Kelly walked me to my first period, chemistry, as we talked way too fast. Clearly, we were wired. I wonder if that girl knew though, I wonder what she must have thought. Kelly stuck the bag of white into my back pocket. I gave her $60 last night to pick the stuff up, so it was all mine now. I walked to my lab table and to no surprise; my lab partner was not here. I got stuck with this stupid jock Bobby, who pretty much skips first period every day, but his marks are of course very high. Hmm, does this have anything to do with my chemistry teacher being the assistant coach on the football team? I sat down and tapped my toes nervously looking around at everyone. I hated school. I was about to ask to use the restroom, maybe snort another line, when my heart dropped again. She walked in. Her, that girl with the eyes that melted my heart. She handed a yellow slip to the teacher and he cleared his throat like he always did before he spoke the class.

"Class, this is Spencer and she's new so be nice to her!" Short, simple and to the point the way he said everything.

Spencer.

Her name was Spencer and she was beautiful.

"Where do I sit?" OMG. She speaks. I think her voice was almost as sweet as her face. My teacher looked around and his eyes landed on me.

"Well, it looks like Miss Davies is all alone so I guess you can sit next to her while we start talking about Organic Chemistry!" He said, trying to sound funny.

She walked towards me slowly with the cutest most timid smile I had ever seen. I think my mind went blank right there.

Spencer's P.O.V

Oh god. I've only been in L.A for like a week and already I have to start school. At least it's a Monday and still mid October, so I didn't have to start the year off that late. I'm sitting in the backseat of my mom's VW Passat with my brother Clay. My older brother Glen was in the passenger's seat next to my mom.

"So Spencer, I want you to try and make friends today okay? Glen already made a ton of friends yesterday so try and reach out. I know its hard, but try for me." My mom worries a lot about me making friends here in L.A, something about not wanting me to be all traumatized because I had to leave my old life behind. I'm 16 and I'm a junior. I guess you can say I wasn't one to reach out and make a ton of friends back in Ohio. I had my group of friends and I always kept it that way so I just shake off her comment because she's a bitch anyways. Here we are!

I got out after Clay and grabbed his hand right away. I loved Clay more than I could explain. He had the best heart I had ever seen. We adopted him when I was about 10 and he was my brother since the day I laid eyes on him. Glen on the other hand, was a big, basketball obsessed jerk. I mean I love him, but he's definitely an ass. Clay and I walked to the main office and got our class lists.

"Aw Clay we have no classes together this stinks!"

"What you were surprised? I'm smarter than you, duh!" He jokes, but everyone knows its true. Clay is pretty much a genius and I idolize that. He knows anything about everything.

"No I guess not but that would be so much easier if we did don't you think?" We kept walking, "Wow, this school looks so different from the one back home, everyone is so intimidating." I'm pretty shy I guess you could say. I can make friends just find but I chose not to.

"Look Spence you have chemistry first period, that blows". We laughed and eventually we split off towards our own directions. We wished each other luck and shared a hug. The first ladies room I saw I entered. I wasn't ready to face this yet. Right away I heard to voices coming from the big stall in the corner talking about a party.

I was looking into the mirror fixing my hair and what not when they came out. Within a second of the door opening my eyes were met by the brightest brown eyes I had ever seen. Another girl walked out from behind her but I wasn't looking. I felt awkward just staring at her, but she started it, and for some weird reason I liked looking at her eyes. They don't make girls like that in Ohio, that's for sure. She must have been mad at me or something because her eyes never left mine, at least until I looked away. I blushed but I didn't know why. Eventually she was pulled away and I stood there a bit dumbstruck. So I like girls. Big deal.

I walked into my chemistry and guess who I got seated next to? Her.

"Hey bathroom girl, I'm Spencer; Spencer Carlin." When did I start making jokes?

She sat there kind of retarded for a few seconds, but it was kind of cute. Her lips curled into a smile and I think her trance ended, because she held out her hand and introduced herself. Ashley Davies.

"So I should probably let you know right away Spencer, I'm a horrible lab partner. I don't do much of anything." We ended up talking and she didn't seem so bad. She had a weird look about her though, like her mind just wasn't there. She looked lost in her head, in her thoughts. She caught my interest though, in the I have a weird feeling I'm going to be spending a lot of time with this girl kind of way. I didn't mind though, because that seemed like a good thing to me.

Ah what do you think? Keep going or delete this? Be honest :D  
Thanks youuus!


	2. Chapter 2 Bartender

Here's Chapter 2; I hope you guys like it :D

Song:: Bartender by Hed P.E

DISCLAIMER:: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING.. BLAHBLAHBLAH

"Fuck" I muttered as I dropped my last cigarette into a puddle. I think that was the icing on the cake at this moment. It was one of those moments when things just seem so much, that a small detail like losing a cigarette made my eyes water. I was stressed to say the least. I was walking to my car from my current shrink's office and it had just finished raining. It was finally Autumn and that meant the weather would finally start dropping, L.A 'dropping' of course. Which meant a whopping 70 instead of 80 degrees.

I hated when doctors start trying to get to the root of why I was the way I was. I never told her much. Just the basics I guess; nobody loves me, I'm a little whore, and I'm all alone. Dr. Terry was her name; well that's what I called her. She introduced herself as Terry on our first session and in all honestly, I don't even know the woman's last name.

About a year ago I had a one-night stand at some party. I was totally wasted and the guy was just taking advantage of a drunk girl, but I let him. A month later I still hadn't gotten my period. It turned out I was pregnant. The average 16 year old girl who found out she was pregnant would go crazy and probably just abort the thing. But not me. In some weird and twisted way I felt whole. A baby seemed like much but it was someone who I could call mine for good. It would love me, it would come home after school to give me a hug telling me how much I was missed, telling me how happy they were to have a mommy like me. My dreams were shot though. I miscarried at about 10 weeks. I never even got to find out the sex. In a way I figured it's what I deserved. I don't deserve happiness, at least that's the way it has always seemed to me. I wasn't supposed to be loved. I was supposed to suffer.

Today Terry thought it would be best to talk about this. I didn't want to. I never talked about this. The only two people who ever knew about the pregnancy were Kyla and Aiden. They were actually very supportive in my decision to keep it. Kyla knows me better than most people, and I think deep down she knew why I wanted to have that baby. She knew what it meant to me. Kyla had that person to love and I didn't, and I think she knew I could finally have that, if not in a lover than through a child. I ended up barging out of the session 20 minutes before my time was up. She still got paid so why would she complain. I hated therapists. They only pretended to care because my problems enabled their wallets to expand. They were selfish people just like the rest of us despite their fancy degrees in mental health. MY mental health was MY concern; I didn't need to pay her $120 an hour so she could tell me I had emotional issues. Thank you Sherlock, I hadn't realized it.

So apart from crying over a dropped cigarette I decided I was going to make myself feel better the only way I knew how. I whipped out my Sidekick and looked through my contacts until I found the one I needed. I didn't feel like speaking so I figured a text would be the best thing to send.

[Please tell me u aren't dry. I'll love u 4ever!

Within seconds my phone buzzed and I read the new message.

[Chica I got xanies, bud and blow today.. whatcha need?

I drove to my dealer's neighborhood and called him to make sure the coast was clear. He still lived with his parents, which always made me laugh because he always brought his costumers home. I dropped five $20s on his bed and took home a half eight of bud, three dubs and a few pills. Wow, this was going to be an interesting night. It was just started to get dark and I definitely couldn't face going home. I didn't want Kyla to see me like this. Deep down I think she's starting to find out how bad I have become, but I deny it every time she tries to talk to me about it. It kills me to know I'm hurting her, but I'm selfish and I don't think I could stop just to make her feel better, I hurt way too bad. As soon as I sat in my car I dipped my key into the bag of white and took two bumps, one for each nostril. Immediately the rush hit me but I still wasn't feeling any better. I needed to drive and forget. I wanted my thoughts to leave me because they hurt too badly. These thoughts of depression, of my suicide attempts, and my life consumed me. They ate at me until there was nothing left. If I could have just ripped my mind out of my head I would have, right there, no matter how painful or messy it would have been. I'd have ended these thoughts of anger, the lonely pangs of life that cut me everyday. I hated everyone but I think I hated myself more.

_[[ Ain't nothing workin', ain't nothing right. Theres a hole in me that I can't fill no matter how hard I try. Ain't nothing sweeter, ain't nothing wrong. All this pain that I receive it keeps me strong, it keeps me moving on. _

I parked my car in front of Gray. Gray was my favorite club to go to. It was an all ages club until midnight when it became 18 and older, but I have a pretty sick fake ID and I'm friends with the bartender. She knows I'm only 17 but she's cool and we always talk about shit. I skipped the line at the front door and made my way straight to the bathroom. I needed another line, and I needed it now. As I walked to the stall I snuck a peak at my reflection; Goddamn, I looked like shit. My eyes were puffy and it was obvious I have been crying and doing some sort of drugs. I ended up snorting two fat lines and my body told me to stop right there. I left the stall as quickly as I had walked there and took a seat at the bar. There she is, my favorite bartender.

_[[ Hey bartender hit me with a double and introduce me to that girl with the bubble. I'm looking for trouble tonight, no momma don't trust me tonight. _

"Well hello Ashley. You sure are here early tonight. What can I get for you babe?" Her voice was sweet and if I were anybody else it would have made me smile. But I'm me and I am broken.

"You can start by hooking me up with a vodka cranberry. A lot more vodka than cranberry just the way I like it" I said sarcastically wearing my fake smile.

"Rough night hun?"

"Yeah, you have no idea.." I let me voice trail off before taking a look around. The club was pretty empty but it wasn't even nine yet. It just hit me how wired I really was because I couldn't keep my hand still. I was fidgeting really badly and I kept biting my lip, something I always did when I was nervous. I continued looking around the club and it only made me sick to my stomach. Everyone looked so happy and carefree; couples were kissing, friends were laughing, and I sat alone, wired, and depressed. Fun huh?

"Here you go" I heard as my drink was placed next to my arm, "You wanna talk or no?"

"Na, I think I'm good. But thanks Mel."

"Ashley! What are you doing here!?" Oh no. I know that voice and it is definitely not the voice I could deal with right now.

"Aiden, Kyla, what a coincidence. I didn't know you guys were coming going to be here tonight." I love sarcasm.

"Well it's Friday and there was nothing else to do. Who are you here with? I tried calling you but you're phone was off. Didn't your appointment end at 7? Where have you been?"

"What is this 20 questions?" I sarcastically said as I took a sip from my drink, "Sorry Ky, I'm just kind of out of my head right now. Bad day you know?" Kyla understood how I got.

"I know Ash I just worry. Get up! C'mon lets dance!"

"Na I don't really feel like dancing right now, maybe later?"

"Oh no, I'm not taking no for an answer. Ooooh! There's that new girl Spencer she's in my economics class she's really nice. I'm going to go say hi!" To my benefit Kyla had the attention span of a goldfish. I envied her happiness. All my life I wished I could be like her; so free, so cool and collected. She's the epitome of a well-adjusted kid and I'm her crazy sister on suicide watch. Kyla grabbed Aiden's hand and let him to the table where Spencer was sitting with two guys, a black kid in a plaid button up shirt and some skinny blonde guy who I'm assuming is her brother because he looks a lot like her. It turned out we not only had chemistry together but lunch, algebra and photography. I only sat next to her in chemistry though; she was way too sweet to be brought down by me. As much as I wanted to get to know her something told me I shouldn't. Not like she would hurt me or something like that but more in the way that she was probably going to change the way I looked at everything, and I don't know if I could deal with losing something like that once I have it in reach. I pulled out the pack of cigarettes that I had stopped at a gas station to get on the way to Gray. I lit a cigarette and inhaled. Better.

I looked over to where Spencer sat and saw her and Kyla talking enthusiastically about something. Kyla grabbed Spencer's hand and they started walking over to where I saw sitting. It made me more nervous than a little kid on their first day of school. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Hey Ash you know Spencer right?"

"Hey Ash you totally should have told me this morning that you were coming to Gray tonight, my stupid brothers wanted to check it out or whatever so I got dragged along."

"Brothers?" I asked, "I didn't know you had two brothers where is the other one?"

"Oh that's both of them sitting. And yes, I know Clay's black, he was adopted." She was so cute when she laughed; it made me want to vomit a little bit, because she really was that cute. She really was that beautiful and I didn't know what to think of that. I hook up with girls all the time, but they never mean anything to me. I never think they are beautiful. Spencer is beautiful. The good thing about having all those classes with her is that I get to watch her more than I should. She has only been in my school for a week but I think I can already recognize her confused face, her happy face, and her angry face. There are still so many more faces I wish I could figure out though, like the one she makes when she notices I'm watching her. I start to think I freak her out, but then she keeps on talking to me like if we had been friends forever.

"So I was just telling Spencer about Scott's party tomorrow. I think she should definitely come over to our house before hand and we can show her how to party California style. Don't you think sis?"

"Yeah totally." I don't know why but my mood lifted slightly at the thought of Spencer coming over to my house. My stomach was turning. She was making me nervous.

"Well, I would totally love to go with you guys to that party but I'd have to ask my mom first. I'm sure she would say yes but I might not have a ride to or from your house Kyla."

"That's cool though, Ash can totally pick you up.. Right Ash?"

"Uh, yeah I can do that" My heart wasn't going to slow down. She was making me so nervous, and I didn't know what to think of that.

"Well hey it was good talking to you but I should get back to my brother's before they have anxiety attacks. Here's my number so call me tomorrow." Spencer grabbed Kyla's phone and saved her number on it.

And like that I watched her walk away.

And like that I needed another drink.

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	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the good reviews you guys are awesome:D

This one is in Spencer's P.O.V! Hope you guys enjoy it.

So I'm pacing in my room frantic because first off and I don't know what to wear, and second off its 4:30 pm and I haven't heard a word from Kyla. I know its still early but I don't even know what time I should be dressed. So being over prepared me I just finished showering and ironing my hair, and it is pretty early.

My closet finally has some sort of order to it; it was the most important part of the unpacking process. My new room is pretty cute I like it, its comfy. My mom finally got me a queen-sized bed too. Back home in Ohio I only had a twin bed, something about me not needing that much room to sleep in unlike Clay and Glen who were big, grown men now. So back to getting dressed… The main problem is that I don't know how to dress to a Los Angeles party because everything here is so different. Girls dress so much nicer and/or sluttier to school than they did back home. I don't know if I'd be able to keep up tonight; I wanted to look hot and I think I really wanted to impress Ashley. By far she had been the coolest person I had met here. She had this weird vibe about her, like she knew something that nobody else knew. She had these secrets in her eyes that I wanted to know.

Twenty minutes later I managed to settle on a white mini skirt and this brown halter from Abercrombie that my aunt had bought for me last Christmas. I wasn't sure if I should wear heels or flats, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, so flats it was. I put on these gold cute sandals and a gold bracelet to match. It was 4:50 at this point and yay! There went my phone ringing but it wasn't Kyla's number. I went and answered anyway.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hi okay so Kyla and I were bored and we were thinking we rescued you first before going to get sushi and then going to this party. What do you say?" It was Ashley. She sounds so cute on the phone.

"Well I guess it is good that im practically ready isn't it?" She started laughing.

"Yeah definitely. So how about you tell me where you live and we can pick your ass up."

I told her my address but she sounded so confused, so I told her to just call me when she was in the neighborhood. I grabbed a small purse and put in some lip-gloss, eyeliner, about $10 and my house key. I grabbed my cell phone and within 15 minutes my phone was ringing again. It was Ashley.

"Alright I think I'm driving down your neighborhood; what color is your house?"

"Yellow", I told her, "Hold on I'll go outside and flag you down." I grabbed my purse and started to head downstairs. "Mom – Dad – I'm leaving my rides here! Call you guys later." I yelled still with Ashley on the line.

"Alright sweetie have fun," my mom yelled back. I was out of the house now and I think I saw her car. Holy shit was all I could think because I was not expecting her to be driving that amazing tan Porsche. I waved her down and she pulled up in front of me, lowering her window.

"Hey hot stuff" Look who's talking huh?

"Dude, you drive a Porsche. What the hell do your parents do?" This girl must be loaded.

"Oh, hmm, my mom pretty much goes to spas all day and parties in Rome." She giggled as she said it, "And my dad well, have you ever heard of Raife Davies?"

"What like that famous rock star?" No way!

"That's daddy" She said kind of sarcastically, like that was nowhere near a good thing. I think she saw the star struck look in my eye, "What you can't be my friend now because I'm a little snob?"

"No, no way!" Holy crap that's crazy! I make two friends and they are practically rock star royalty. What are the chances of that? "Wow, hey wait, where's Kyla? Aren't we getting sushi?" I was so distracted by the fact that she had such a gorgeous car that I didn't even notice she was alone.

"Me and Kyla take forever getting ready so we need to go back and finish. Ky was ironing her hair so I figured I should let her finish while I got you." Beautiful, rich, and smart.

"I can't wait to see your house now!" I grinned, and she did too. She had the cutest smile; her nose crinkled up and when she really smiled it showed. She fake smiled too, a lot actually, like she really was just not happy. But when something made her happy I could totally tell, and I was glad she smiled like that now. In about 10 minutes she started pulling into one of the most enormous houses I had ever seen. It was amazing and there was even a huge fountain in the front. I felt like a superstar just being a guest here.

"Here we are" she started saying as she parked her car in the driveway. Her car looked so lonely being the only one in this huge parking space. I got out of the car and walked towards the front door, following Ashley. She opened the door and stood aside the let me in first, "After you madam" She held her arm out like a butler.

"Why thank you," I smiled and walked inside. Wow it was even nicer inside. Ashley led me upstairs, giving me a slight tour along the way.

"Okay and finally the two best rooms in the house are right next to each other. Mine to the left and Kyla's to the right" she stated stopping in front of two closed wooden doors. She knocked on Kyla's door and without even waiting for a reply just let herself in. Kyla was sitting at her desk putting on some makeup. She was wearing a cute pair of jeans and this white and red striped tank top. Thinking about it, it must be so nice to have a sister the same age as you. They must have so many clothes!

"Hey Spencer what's up?" Kyla said, getting up and coming to give me a hug. They treated me like if we had been friends forever; it was pretty awesome actually.

"Not much just here," I said smiling, "You have such a pretty room Kyla I love it!"

"Aw thanks, Ash thinks its too happy" She started laughing.

"Oh shut up Ky!" Ash said from behind me, "Wait Kyla you're wearing dark jeans tonight too? That is a big no no sis!"

"Oh God not this again Ashley. I'm sorry Spencer; Ashley tends to have these fashion anxiety attacks all the time. Apparently two sisters can't dress alike. Ash thinks it's cheesy." I started laughing, what a silly argument but it was pretty funny.

"Well it's the truth, it is cheesy" Ashley said, " I need to go change now because I know you won't!" She started walking next door to her room.

"Damn straight!" Kyla got up and started following Ashley to her room. "C'mon Spence, lets go wait in Ashley's room to make her hurry" I followed the two sisters into Ashley's room. It was nothing of what I had expected. For some reason I thought Ashley to have a fairly girly room, I don't know why. But it was like a little rock star's room, and it was really funky. Big, it definitely was that too. Whoa, a drum set? A guitar? Now that I know who her dad is it makes sense, but an hour ago I never would have taken Ashley for a musician. Her bed was in the center of her off white colored room. There was a big mural painted behind the drum set, and it was actually signed by Ashley at the bottom. The mural was so expressive and emotional. It held the kind of emotion that I saw in Ashley's eyes every once in awhile; when I'd steal a glance at her in classes. There was a girl on the right side screaming with broken glass shattered at her feet. Then around her face were about 5 flowers, some being roses some being sunflowers. The thing that in some weird way hit my heart was that half of the flowers were dead, while the others were bright and alive. Something about that mural made me want to understand it. It must have been so important to her, it probably expresses a lot of her soul. I wonder..

"Wow Ashley did you draw that? Its amazing" I said in awe. Her room was super cool, and it totally made me see so much more in Ashley that I hadn't seen yet.

"Yeah she did. She's our little creative kid, unlike me. She plays all those instruments, sings, paints, and pretty much could write you the nicest song ever." Wow.

"Yeah that's me," She said sticking her head out from her closet. Oh wait, is she wearing only a bra. My smile widened… A lot. Ha-ha. "I actually did that like 2 months ago; that wall was just so plain, I thought it could use some nice decoration."

"It works" I grinned, and she did too.

"Oh man now I don't know what to wear. Hey, Spencer come here. I want some Ohio insight." Me? I think anything I picked out would look great on her. I got up and walked to her huge walk-in closet. She had more clothes than all of Pacsun, and over 50 pairs of shoes stacked up against the wall. She was holding to shirts up against her toned abs. She now had a jean mini skirt on the really showed off her thighs; it looked the really good on her to say the least. Her skin was silky smooth "Okay, green or black" She said as she rotated the two shirts against her body.

"Hmm I think green but if someone tells you that you look horrible I'm so sorry" I put a sad face on and she started cracking up at that.

"Don't worry, I'm sure that won't happen." And she winked at me. Confidence is really sexy to me; I'm not going to lie. "Okay so if you say we're good here, lets go get some sushi. I'm starving!" She grabbed my hand and led me out of the closet.

"Oh man me too Ash!" Kyla peeped her voice out. I felt a bit guilty that I kind of forgot she was even there. I think being that close the Ashley while she was half naked could do that to you.

"So Aiden's driving us tonight right Ky?" Ashley asked her sister. Aiden is Kyla's boyfriend I think. Hey wait, that means I'll probably be in the backseat with Ashley while Kyla is in the front. Okay, Aiden's car works for me!

"Yeah so that mean we can get super wasted tonight!" She put on a funny voice as she said it, but she was clearly serious. Something was telling me that these girls could party hard; and how hard I was about to find out. Ashley laughed out a 'hell yeah' and we were then walking back down to her car. I guess we'd be coming back here after we ate so that Aiden could pick us up.

I was more than excited for tonight, so excited that I felt like we were eating sushi forever. We all talked a lot during dinner about all kinds of things. I heard some funny childhood stories about them both and by the end of dinner I felt like I'd known them forever. We were old friends already. Kyla, Spencer, and Ashley. I could really get used to it too.

Ashley insisted that she pay for dinner, so I didn't fight her. It was about 8:30 by the time we were finished eating. The restaurant was really nice and really delicious. I love sushi! We were driving back to Ashley's house, me in the backseat, and Kyla riding shotgun on the phone with Aiden. He was already parked outside of the Davies mansion by the time we had gotten there.

"It's about time girls. The guys are setting up this awesome beer pong tournament. There are three kegs with our names on them!"

"Oh god Aiden no way. You know how bad I am at beer pong count me out."

"Suit yourself Ash, I didn't want you as my partner anyways." He stuck out his tongue to Ashley than grabbed Kyla by the waist, "Besides, this is my partner right here. " He said as he pecked Kyla on the lips. They were a really cute couple and they looked really happy.

So here we go to this crazy party. Something tells me tonight is going to be a really good night. An interesting night too. I'm definitely excited.

I hope you guys like this one. I'll try to post the next chapter a.s.a.p!

-Christina 


	4. Chapter 4

I run into my house to make sure everything is in order before we leave, stopping in my room to grab 2 bars before I left. I decided I was going to drinking tonight so it was best not to use any more powder. I had done a line at around 3 or so, and I was good for now. Dinner went strangely amazing. Spencer was so different than every other girl I had ever met before. I loved talking to her and hearing her talk right back.

I locked the door behind me, "Hope you guys are ready to par-tay!" I'm a funny girl, what can I say? Aiden hopped into the driver's seat of his Nissan and Kyla naturally sat in the passenger's seat. That left Spencer and I together in the backseat. Fun how I don't even plan these things, but I'm not complaining. Being close to Spencer was exhilarating. "Hey Aiden, you mind if I smoke in your car? I'm not sure if the smell will bug you or not."

"Go for it, just don't ash it in my car"

"Gotcha" and with that I lit my cigarette and took a long drag. Yum. I tried to sneak a side-glance at Spencer who was sitting to my right. I wonder what she thought about me smoking. For sure Spencer didn't smoke; she was way to sweet to smoke, and way too pretty. I looked over less discretely because I noticed she had been looking at me too, not in a disgusted way like I had expected her to look at me, but in a sincere way. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. I think I started blushing there because I felt my cheeks get hot; I straightened my head and took a drag. "So Kyla, you're doing a horrible job at being the DJ, put some jams on girl!"

"Here here! Put my new CD on its awesome" Boy Aiden sounded excited. Aiden was a happy party kid, so his CDs were always fun to jam to when driving. It was chill just jamming in Aiden's car, sitting next to Spencer and smoking a cigarette. The CD was full of Lil Wayne songs, and I'm not going to lie, I have a secret obsession with Weezy F. Baby; that man is amazing! Aiden and Kyla were in their own conversation up front and Spencer and I were just in a silence in the backseat. It wasn't an awkward silence at all though. It was nice.

"So you excited for this party?" She broke it.

"Yeah I guess. How about you? You're losing your L.A party virginity tonight!" We both started laughing.

Still giggling she looked at me and started talking again, "Well I'm glad I'm with good company tonight then." If I wasn't mistaken she just complimented me; or maybe she just likes third-wheeling Aiden and Kyla.

"Me too." I smiled at her, big and goofy. I didn't know why but being around Spencer made me smile so much more than I usually did. I felt when I was around her I was becoming a better person, but as soon as she's out of my sight I'm me again. I'd stand next to her forever if I could, but that would probably freak her out.

We finally got to the neighborhood and there was a shit load of cars parked on the grass and on the street. Oh, this party was going to be sick for sure. We managed to find a spot to park a few houses down and Aiden quickly got out of the car, opening the door for each of us. He's such a gentleman; always watching out for his girls.

I'd been to Scott's beach house before; he had thrown a huge party over the summer. I walked into the front door with Spencer trailing close behind me. It was kind of cute how she looked nervous, like is she wanted people to like her. I was nervous too though, but because not because of everyone else, but because of her.

"Ash! Yay! You're here!" Kelly ran up to me hugging me like if she hadn't seen me in years. She reeked of weed too. That made me laugh. Kelly was more of a pothead than anything, which added to her charm. She had this burnout personality that always kept you laughing around her. I usually only smoked to calm my nerves. That sounds horrible when I put it that way. My habit has even started to worry me, because I hadn't gone a straight week I about two months without using almost every day. The money wasn't a problem for me, my dad practically paid for my coke problem. The problem was more physical. My body was so much more tired all of the time now, only feeling up to par when I was wired. I couldn't tell anyone that though, I think I'd get crucified.

I greeted Kelly enthusiastically; big hug, loud greeting just the way we liked it. "Come, let's get a drink. Hey Spencer!" Kelly was really stoned I could see it in her eyes. She grabbed my hand and started leading me to the kitchen.

"Go ahead, I'll stay with Kyla" Spencer mouthed to me. She really didn't know Kelly so I guess she must have felt uncomfortable. I asked her if she was sure, and she said yes. I kept walking with Kelly to the kitchen and there were 2 kegs on the floor and about 10 bottles of liquor on the tables. I grabbed myself a plastic red cup, got some ice, then poured some Smirnoff Watermelon flavored vodka to about ¾ of the cup.

"Hey is there any sprite?" Kelly knew this house very well. In case I didn't mention Kelly and Scott have a thing. She has this thing for big jocks. They aren't official, but they have hooked up a good amount of times, and hang out quite a bit. She grabbed a can from the fridge and threw it to me.

"Always prepared Ash, always prepared." She started laughing, "Hey wait! Lets take shots!" Hell yeah! She ran to the cabinet and took out to shot glasses that said Canada on them. How freaking random. "Hmmmm… Smirnoff, Bacardi, or Grey Goose?"

"One of each sounds good to me, don't you think"

"Oh Ashley, how I love your brain"

I put my hand in my pocket and took out the two Xanax bars I had brought. "I too come prepared!" Her eyes got so excited, I gave her a pill and with our first shot we popped a pill each.

Now for the goosy; Kelly poured two more shots and we got ready to take them. We grabbed hands and took the shot, both of us making disgusted faces as we swallowed the alcohol. Pitbull was playing on the stereo and there was a good amount of people dancing sexy in the living room. Kelly and I finished our shots, I grabbed my drink and we started to head out of the kitchen. As soon as I started walking my body felt much lighter. I look out for where my sister and Spencer went but I couldn't find them anywhere. Oh well. I then made my rounds with Kelly, greeting everyone. People know me you could say. I really don't think half of them even like me, they just enjoy being able to say they know Raife Davies' daughter. It bugs me sometimes, but I can tell the difference between a faker and an actually cool person by now.

"Lets go smoke a ciggy" Kelly grabbed my hand and we walked to the backyard. The backyard was amazing. The house was actually on the beach, so the backyard was sand and a 1-minute walk to the water. Kelly and I sat in the sand and I pulled out my cigarettes, giving one to Kelly and another to my lips. I lit mine and passed the lighter to my right.

"So who did you come with other than Spencer?"

"Kyla and Aiden, why?"

"No just wondering, because I thought it was just you four. Double date huh?" She was joking, but I think it was her way of trying to find out if that was maybe true or not. I laughed a little.

"No, not really. Actually, I don't even know if she's straight or not."

"I guess we must find out then!" We laugh together but then again we are always fucked up together, "Well, do you like her?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know if I want to or not."

"Why not?"

"I don't know; you know how I get"

"I guess.." Her voice trailed off as Kyla ran out with Spencer, who was holding a beer.

"There you are!" Kyla said, "They were looking for you inside. Something about playing a game.. I'm not sure so just let's go!" Spencer was smiling behind her, her eyes much more glazy than they had been when we got here. Kyla led Kelly, me, and Spencer upstairs to where the bedrooms were. The first door to the right of us was some sort of den or office room, where about 10 people were sitting in a circle with 2 bottles of Absolut and a few shot glasses.

"Ashley!" They all screamed. I'm fun to get drunk with what can I say? Sitting on the floor were a few familiar faces: Evan, Corey, Jessie, Maggie and Josh. Maggie was this girl who I had hooked up with twice over the summer but that ended awkwardly. We're still friends though, and we love getting drunk together at parties. I didn't know the rest of the people seated around us, but I really could care less about that. I took my sandals off and sat in the circle, pulling Kelly and Spencer down on each side of me.

"What are we playing guys?"

"Well we were kind of thinking of spin the bottle?"

"How old are you guys? Twelve?" Kelly peeped out sarcastically.

"Yeah seriously." I said back, "Oh hey guys this is Spencer for any of you who don't know" I hadn't introduced her, which was rude of me. Kyla had left the room to go play beer pong with Aiden.

"OH! I have a great idea guys!" Oh no, Kelly's ideas are never good in the end, "Lets play never have I ever!" Oh no. Never have I ever is everyone takes a turn saying something that they have never done, and everyone who has done the said thing must take a shot. It's a good way to get to know people, but it could get very embarrassing, because once you are drunk, you get pretty honest. Everyone liked the idea. This was going to be very interesting.

"Shit, I'm going to start it up!" That was Josh. Everyone loves playing this game ha-ha, "Uhh, never have I ever had sex in my parents bed." Kelly started laughing hysterically and took a shot, her being the only one.

"Awkward…." She laughed, "Okay my turn. Hmmm.. Oh I know! Never have I ever kissed anyone of the same sex" I knew exactly what she was doing, and wow, what a good idea that way. She wanted to see Spencer's answer, and so did I. I took my shot right away, as well was one of the guys I didn't know sitting across form me. His hair was really pretty so it made sense.

"Oh yeah Ashley big surprise there." That was Evan, "Our favorite little lesbian" That was actually awkward. Then I looked at her, and she smiled at me. She smiled big, and then she took her glass and downed her shot. "OOOOOOH!" coming from everyone's mouth. Like that I knew my answer, and in that smile, I think I knew more.

We played the game for about an hour, resulting in me getting really wasted. What can I say; I'm experienced. Spencer drank quite a bit too I noticed; taking shots for questions involving sex, a lot of alcohol, and even smoking weed. I liked her more and more every minute I spent around her. The players had slowly started leaving downstairs to get back to the party and eventually it ended up just being me, Spencer, Evan, Maggie and Josh. I stood up which was a crazy idea because the room was definitely spinning. Spencer held out her hand to me so that I could help her up.

"Oh shit! I'm really drunk" Her voice cracked too. She was laughing a lot and she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and started walking, leading me forward. We got downstairs and the amount of people here had increased even more. This party was huge. "Hey Ashley, lets dance!"

"I'd hate for you to think I was a terrible dancer" I put on my sad face, pouting my lips.

She got close to my face and whispered in my ear, "I won't, I promise" We were at the dance floor by that point and _Pop, Lock and Drop it _was blaring in my eardrums. Spencer was really drunk; I could see it in her eyes. She smiled big at me then she got up real close to me and started dancing, her hands on my hips, and her stomach on my stomach.

"Damn, I didn't know Ohio bred such good dancers" I had to talk up close to her ear to make sure she heard me. She never answered just laughed and kept on dancing. The songs kept changing but we kept dancing. My heart was racing from her touch. We were both sweating because we'd been dancing for about half an hour. She grabbed my hand taking me to the kitchen.

"Oh man! I'm parched" Who used that word and didn't sound like a nerd? Spencer. She grabbed a red cup and filled it with some watermelon vodka. "Do you know if they have Sprite? I love Sprite with vodka."

Many drinks later I look at my phone seeing that it's almost one in the morning. "Shit Spencer what time do you have to be home?"

"Uhhh I'm not sure? Let me call my mom.." Spencer was really drunk; I didn't think she could go home that way. She looked at me in the eye, "Ash, I'm really wasted!" She started laughing like crazy.

"Sleep over?"

"Really?"

"Would your mom let you?"

"I could ask. Let me call her now" She was smiling and dialing. She walked a few steps away to get come quiet. In two minutes she was back smiling even wider, "She said it's fine as long as I go to church in the morning"

"Well that's cool Spence, I can drop you off early if you want." Her blue eyes were gorgeous in the light. I couldn't stop breathing her in. My words were slurring, my body was tingling, and my vision was blurry, but I knew for sure I was feeling something. This was something bigger than me; I really did feel it. I was jumping further in every second I spent with her, and I didn't want to stop.

Good? Trash? Let me know:D

-Christina


	5. Chapter 5

Here's the next chapter. I don't know how much I like it, but you guys tell me what you think! It is kind of short; I know I'm sorry. Enjoy!

Song :: Lullaby – The Spill Canvas

Disclaimer :: I do not and will never own S.O.N BLAHBLAH!

We're stumbling, we're tripping; we're everything we want to be, at least I am. We're laughing and we're smiling and it occurs to me that this move just may have been for the better.

I find myself in the backseat of Aiden's car rapping out the lyrics to songs on the radio with 3 people who I want to call my 'best friends'. I am drunk, Ashley is drunk, Kyla is completely trashed, and Aiden is a shot away from not being able to drive. The car ride was amazing; all of singing and laughing on our way to the two sisters' house. About two minutes into the drive I decided I'd be more comfortable laying down; so I rest my head on Ashley's lap and immediately her hands were twirling my hair. I loved her touch.

Fumbling up the stairs Kyla and Aiden can hardly take their hands off of each other; apparently Ashley and I are invisible. They're kissing and laughing and soon, shutting the door behind them, which leads to Kyla's bedroom. Looks like Aiden is spending the night too…

"Oh gross!" Came out of Ashley's mouth as she watched her sister lock the door, "Looks like it's just you and me tonight huh?"

"Yeah, I don't think they'll be coming out of there anytime soon"

"Me neither" She did it again, that smile that tells me what she's feeling; that smile that showed all over her face. She led me into her bedroom closing the door behind her as she sat down on her bed, falling backwards almost instantaneously. "Did you have a good time tonight?"

"I did" I placed my body right next to hers and looked to her, "I'm glad you guys invited me"

"Yeah, well I'm glad that you came. Let me get you something to sleep in." She started sitting up and then fell right back down, "Or not – this position is way too comfortable. You can sleep naked can't you?"

"Nooooooo!" I'm pleading at her and she's clearly entertained. "I'll get cold!" I pout at her.

"Oh fine, but only because you're cute when you grovel" She thinks I'm cute; that made my insides explode a little bit. I mean, I knew that already, I could see it in the way she looks at me. But there was something about hearing her say it out loud – it made me want to hear her say it so much more, but not anybody else – only Ashley.

"Ashley Davies thinks I'm cute? Okay in that case.. please please please please please!?"

Ashley in a cute embarrassed state of giggles got up and walked towards her drawers. She looked in and pulled out a bundle of clothes. She had two shirts and shorts, throwing one of each towards the bed. I guess Ashley wasn't into modesty either, because she started changing right in front of me. The alcohol took away my tact, clearly, because I sat there watching her. I'm looking at her slender back as she pulled a shirt over her head and turned around and started walking towards me. She looked amazing in a t-shirt that showed her toned stomach and short shorts that didn't leave much to the imagination.

"Are you going to change or just stare?" I liked her sarcasm.

"I'm not sure, I kind of like the view" We need to stop flirting like this.

(Ashley's P.O.V)

Here I am sitting on my floor waiting for Spencer to finish getting ready for bed. I feel good being with her, like a new person. The weirdest thing is that I could care less if I ever even dated Spencer, just being her friend appeals to me. I just want her around and that scares me. It scares me because I have only known her for a week. It scares me because if I let her in, what would stop her from ripping herself out. Finally she opened the door and came back into room looking gorgeous in my pajamas.

"So tell me you're hungry Ash, because I'm starving" Girl, you read my mind. I led her to the kitchen. There was nothing like a good midnight snack, that's for sure.

"Okay, me and Kyla are fatties, so there is pretty much any type of junky snack you could want in here"

"MMM I love junky snacks" She sat down on one of the counter stools in my kitchen as I walked to the freezer. I can't speak for anybody else, but ice cream is the best when intoxicated.

"Chocolate, cookie dough, or this weird one with strawberries?"

Spencer and I ended up eating an unnecessarily large bowl of cookie dough ice cream together as we talked for over an hour. I learned all about her childhood, her ex girlfriends and boyfriends, and so much more. I told Spencer that I had never been in a real relationship before. I told her that the only person in my life who I could count on was Kyla. She told me that as a child she was so happy because her family was great, and now all her parents do is fight. She told me that she had never been in love before. I told her my family was never there for me, and she held my hand because even though I was drunk, it still hurt.

_[It's the way that you blush when you're nervous; it's your ability to make me earn this. I know that you're tired just let me sing you to sleep. It's about how you laugh out of pity 'cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny. I know that you're shot just let me sing you to sleep. _

Spencer told me that she'd be my family if I wanted her to be, and when she said that I felt the sincerity in her voice. I told her I'd like nothing more than that.

It was 4 AM by the time we decided we needed to sleep. "Okay, you can sleep in the guest room or in my room. See the guest room is pretty comfy but this house is so big, and I really wouldn't be surprised if a monster ate you or something" She laughed and sat up from the stool, looking at me.

"Your room sounds more than okay"

"Cool." Was all I could really say to that, because that's how I felt about her being here. It was so cool that Spencer was going to be sleeping in my room. It was cool how she was initially here as Kyla's friend over, but she's become mine.

"Cool" she said right back to me, smiling. How stupid were we anyways, smiling like idiots around each other?

I got into my extremely comfortable bed and put the comforter over my body for warmth. My room always got very cold at night, and no matter how many times I try to fix the air conditioner, my room stays cold. Spencer got in after me, actually commenting on the temperature of my room.

"Hey Spence?"

"Yeah?"

"I tend to cuddle up to anything that is next to me when I sleep, I hope that doesn't creep you out."

"Its okay, I cuddle too"

"Good"

"Yeah, good." And with that I felt her hand grab hold of mine, giving it a squeeze, before putting her head onto my pillow and her arm around my abdomen.

_[While you were sleeping I figured out everything; I was constructed for you and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name coursing through my veins. You shine so bright it's insane; you put the sun to shame. _


	6. Chapter 6

December 1st. I have been in California for over a month already, yet it feels like it has only been a week. The adjustment process went along much better than expected though. Kyla has evolved into my best friend; she is just so fun loving and happy that I'd be crazy to not want to hang out with her. And Ashley, well, she is Ashley – the girl I will never figure out. The weirdest part of it is I want to know everything that goes on in her mind. Ever since the night of Scott's party my first real weekend in LA, I saw something in Ashley that I can't stop wanting to see. I want to be the medicine that takes away her sadness. I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay. I smile when she smiles; I'm happy when she's happy. The problem is that every time I try to get closer to her she pulls away – and I feel like the stupid one. The craziest part of Ashley Davies is the way that I want to be more than just a friend. Don't get me wrong though, we're really close as is, but I know there is more there. A lot more.

Since my mom finally felt comfortable letting Glen drive in LA he has been in charge of taking us all to school. Glen is pretty much one of the most unreliable guys on earth, so Kyla and Ashley have just been taking me to and from school everyday. This particular morning I hop in the backseat to find a weird silence. Ashley wore her overly large sunglasses alongside a frown. "Good morning?"

"Hey" "Hi" were muffled in my direction. If I didn't know any better I would think they were fighting, but I could be wrong. To lighten the mood I decided I should try and talk to them.

"Oh Kyla is that a new purse? Its really cute" I just noticed Kyla holding a big purse that looked incredibly expensive. As my question left my lips I heard Ashley scoff, then I saw her pull out and light a cigarette.

"Oh yeah my dad brought it to me last night…" She cautiously looked over at her sister.

"He's in town?"

"Yeah for the weekend. His band is having some concert Saturday night or something."

"Don't forget our lovely family dinner" Ashley joined the conversation very sarcastically, "yeah daddy comes home and we get to act normal for once. How exciting huh?" She looked so pissed.

The car ride after that was silent except for the low music Ashley had coming from the radio. As soon as we parked the car Kyla was off to go meet Aiden, not saying bye to Ashley or me.

"What was that about?" I needed to know what was going on. I mean, I knew Ashley's father was a sensitive subject but I didn't see why they were fighting or why Ashley was so upset. You would think she was happy to at least see him for a few days.

"Nothing." I looked at her with my _don't give me that bullshit_ glare, "Okay, I don't know. Kyla was just pissing me off. No big deal"

"There's more than that. What's wrong?" I'm not retarded.

"Nothing alright." She started walking away, but I wasn't going to just let her off so easy. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to be there for her. There is something about Ashley Davies' emotional rollercoaster that makes me want strap in for the ride, even if I end up regretting it.

"Ashley" I start following her and she speeds up. You'd think I was chasing a five year old. "Ashley wait up" She kept trying to speed up but I managed to catch up to her, grabbing her by the wrist.

"What Spencer? What do you want?"

"Look I don't know what the hell your deal is but seriously stop taking it out on me. I'm just trying to talk to you and you're being so immature about it." Gosh, I was fuming. She noticed my anger. I think the janitor did too for crying out loud. Her features softened dramatically and she sat down against the nearest wall practically slamming her head on the concrete.

"You're right. I'm sorry" I sat down next to her putting my head against hers.

"It's okay Ash, but seriously, what's bothering you so bad? You really didn't have to make me chase you across school too" I said laughing, trying to lighten the mood somehow.

"She's just.. Ugh!" We looked into each other's eyes for a few seconds before she broke the contact and stood up, grabbing my hand and pulling me up alongside her.

"What?"

"Skip with me?"

"Now? Are you crazy Ash? Where would we go?" I won't lie: I love her acts of rebellion.

"It doesn't matter. C'mon, lets get out of here before the bell rings" With that we were back in her Porsche driving to who knows where, but it felt good.

Ashley's P.O.V

I think what bothers me the most is not that I hate him, but that I love him anyways. He is my father, but he has never done anything other than fuck my mother to earn that title. He gets to parade around the world shooting his drugs and making money, but never ever takes the time so call his fucking daughter. So he is in town for the weekend – its Friday now and he flew in last night with like, 2 suitcases full of stuff for Kyla and I. I want to hate him so bad for abandoning me, but I can't. I can't not want him around no matter how angry he makes me. I hurt when he is here, but I hurt when he is gone – it's like that stupid Nsync song.

To say that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning would be an understatement, because I went to sleep on the wrong side of the bed. It was a mix of anger at my father for thinking he could make everything right with a few gifts, anger at Kyla for letting him get away with that, and anger at myself for still wanting to hug him. The outcome of the night was a nice big family fight – my dad deciding a bar and his hotel room would suffice, my mom screaming at him because according to her he should never have been let in the house, and the two daughters just pissed as fuck at everyone. Kyla wanted to make things okay and I guess I love her for that, but it doesn't change anything.

It was one of those days that was just beautiful. The sky was blue and pretty fluffy clouds kept passing us by as we rested on the grass. Lucky for us I keep a spare blanket in my trunk huh?

Yeah so I decided I was in no way going to be able to handle school and stupid people, so I skipped, and I made Spencer come with me. Why she actually said yes is beyond me, but hey, I won't complain. There is this doggy park a few blocks away from my house that I always just come to relax – and that I needed to do. I was letting Spencer in just by bringing her here, and I didn't even know why I let myself do that.

"So what's up Ash?" Spencer asked turning her head to face me. We had an iPod laying in between us, a bud in each one of our ears, playing 311. She looked so perfect next to me. The sun shined perfectly on her beautiful blonde hair and she wore that Spencer Carlin smile – so confident and just so perfect.

"I'm just, ugh, I don't know Spence. I feel like nothing is working. My dad came back last night and yeah I missed him, but I hate him for just showing up and thinking he make shit right. It isn't right and it isn't going to be right. He shows up and everything sucks. My mom is there and they are fighting and screaming. What the fuck man they shouldn't be fighting like that they never even got married. Then there is Kyla who just hugs him and acts like everything is great. I can't be like that you know? I shouldn't be mad at her but I guess I just wish I could be as forgiving and understanding as her. It's not fair." I'm freaking rambling and I think in the end I'll end up scaring this girl away.

Spencer looked at me so sincerely that I wanted to just hold her and cry my eyes out. I didn't do that though, because she'd think I was insane. "Hey you know, it's okay to be mad at him."

"Yeah, but I think I'm more mad at myself for wanting him to stay."

"Why would that make you mad?"

"Because he's never been there, ever. Yet all I do is torture myself, wishing he was. I just wish I could be normal. I see all these families where parents kiss their kids – like tell them they love them and stuff. My parents have never told me that they loved me. My mom and dad got wasted, had sex, and now they hate each other. I'd give away everything just to be normal. It sucks" I was verging on tears here but there was something about Spencer that made expressing this all so much easier. She must have noticed my near-crying quivering, because she gave my hand a tight squeeze; the type of squeeze that told me she wasn't going anywhere, and that's just what I needed. I need consistency, and maybe Spencer can be just that.

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I think you're normal." She smiled at me so perfectly, "Actually Ashley, I think you are better than normal. You're the best person I've met here, that's for sure."

"Do you really think that?" My ears must be deceiving me.

"Yeah, I really do. I think you should smile more, because when you smile the world looks nicer. I think you deserve so much more than you think you do, and I think anyone who wouldn't want you around is crazy." She sat up and grabbed my arm to sit my upright; "You always look so sad and hurt like if you've got this secret eating inside of you. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But I wouldn't be lying if I said I wanted to learn it."

"I think that might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." She was still holding my hand, but now her face was probably 4 inches from my own. She was slowly moving in closer to me and I felt her other hand touch my chin and she stared into my eyes.

"I think I want to kiss you"

…And she did; and it was perfect. Not the kind of kiss like, 'hey lets go have sex' but the kind of kiss that's like, 'you really matter to me'. If that makes any sense at all….

"I totally just freaked you out didn't I?" She was stammering and it was just so freaking cute.

"No Spencer, not at all." I smiled so wide because she had that effect on me. If I were a kangaroo, I'd carry her in my pouch all day, because that way I'd always be happy.

"Okay good." Now instead of just resting our hands together, she laced our fingers.

"Did you have any plans for today?" I'm gonna do it!

"Not other than this" What a cute smile..

"Do you want to come to my family dinner tonight? I mean I know I probably just made you think its going to be a war zone, but I think if you came it would make things so much easier. You really don't have to I mean I wouldn't be mad if you would rather go out or something - " She cut me off with her lips, again. I was rambling so I guess she had to shut me up somehow.

"I'd love to go to your family dinner with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really"

Sorry it took me so long for an update. I'm going to try and bring the next chapter up soon. I have good plans for it ! So let me know what you think of this one!


	7. Chapter 7

I know I'm horrible.. I haven't updated this in MONTHS. I've had no inspiration at all I'm sorry. Reading over this I feel like I have horrible grammar and writing skills, and this sucks too.. But oh well! I'm posting it anyways. Comments? Reviews? Please :)

It got to the point where I had no idea who I was anymore. I needed to get out of this place, or I need to find a way out of this feeling. I need to fix myself but I can't even start to do that if I can't even figure out where I am. On the good side I have this amazing person wanting to get inside, but I know its worthless. I can't give her anything if I can't event take care of myself. I can't help but push her away. Okay, these thoughts need to stop.

I push myself off of my cold tiled floor and reached a few feet away and grabbed an Altoid box. Opening the box I took out a bag of coke and a razor-blade. Setting up there pretty big lines on my dresser proved difficult with how much my hands were shaking. I'd been locked in my room doing powder for at least an hour and a half. My heart was beating and I was definitely not in need of anymore coke. But of course, my impulses tell me otherwise. With my rolled up dollar bill i took a line for each nostril, and saved the last one for later. Immediately after the second line the blast in my face made me sit back against the wall. "Ugh oh god" I heard myself say aloud.

Dinner tonight which I really thought for once might be better, maybe because Spencer was there, proved to be a wreck. Maybe I was ready to take a step forward and try to at least have a last good year before I graduate and move. Looking back I see how foolish that really was of me. I put Spencer in probably the most awkward situation ever. I look at my sidekick where I see the conversation I had had with Spencer about 45 minutes ago..

**Ashley** hey look i know you wanna help me out but i just wanna be alone right now. i'll call you later just go home. don't be mad. xoxo

**Spencer** what r u sure? I'm downstairs still with Kyla. everyone else left. come down?

**Ashley** No its fine.. i just wanna lay down. thank you tho.. see you l8r

**Spencer** okay i guess. call me later then? i'll wait 4 ur call. be safe

I had stopped answering after Spencer's last message. I know she was worried and I guess i see now that she cares, but I just don't know what to do about anything. Up and pacing I stopped in front of my mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes had dark circles around them accompanying the puffiness from my crying. The (hardly able to call it clothes) wife beater I was wearing a few blood stains from when I cut. The view honestly just made me feel like a wreck. Here I was crying, doing white, and cutting myself. I'll never get better.

I put on a pair of boy shorts, grabbed my packed bong and my pack of cigarettes after snorting the last line, and headed out my bedroom door. I decided I needed to smoke to weed and chill out, because as much as I'm hating on myself right now I still feel my coke rush. Life just is. I feel in control. I feel like I call the shots in what I do. Coke addiction is a real strange thing, because its so bittersweet. It is the best and worst drug in the universe. The devil in disguise. When I hit the white girl I feel my life come back to me. I get that happy rush, the smile, the jitters. I'm confident and although I know its not real, I like myself. But as soon as the rush dies down you just want it all over again. The next line is such a perfect feeling because you felt like you needed it. Each line brings you back to where you want to be. After a long night of doing white I find that I wake up the next day feeling like complete shit. My nose is stuffy. My head hurts. My stomachs a wreck and I can't eat unless I smoke weed. I find myself telling saying I'll never do coke again, telling myself how dumb I was. By the end of that day I usually always end up wired all over again. I never have had a withdrawal symptom that was physical, like sweating and/or vomiting. My withdrawal symptoms are just pure want. I want that feeling again. I want to feel good again. So I do, and the same process starts all over again.

_flashback:_

_Everyone is seated at the long, wooden table in our dining room. My mother and her beau on one side, my dad and his new hand-model girlfriend on the other, and Spencer, Kyla and I seated at the head. The maids were bringing out entrees and cocktails, and clearly my dad had clearly had too much to drink. So far in this dinner my parents have managed to embarrass me, anger me, and honestly just make me want to disappear. Spencer had been forced to sit in the midst of Davies warfare and I felt guilty for putting her in such a position. He starts rumbling about something or another, distasteful of what my mother had been commenting on._

_"Raife when are you going to get serious?" "How do you think you're going to support these girls much longer if you blow all your fortune on drugs!"_

_"Stop nagging me. Who the fuck do you think you are? You know I love those girls and have a fund set up for them, so why do you care what I do with my life."_

_"Oh and that makes it better for the girls huh?"_

_At this point i see that both the significant others stand up, "I think we're going to be stepping outside. Come and get us when you're ready", said the model._

_"No, oh we're sorry." Christine spurt out trying to seem like she cared._

_"No, don't worry, we just want to go a smoke cigarette. We'll be right back" They walked out without even waiting for my mom to answer._

_"Oh great Raife, real nice. You scare our guests away hardly an hour into the evening." She usually blames him for everything._

_"So this is my fault? Oh stop being such a stuck up bitch, Christine." My mothers face started to turn a little red. I had had enough of this shit. Spencer was seated inches from me with this face of pure shock. _

_"Mom, dad. Seriously? Can we not do this here? It's so fucking embarrassing!" I was yelling, "When are you going to start at least trying to make shit easy around here. God I swear, all you do is prove to me how fucked up this family is. Can you at least try and be nice for once?"_

_My mom spoke up first, and I guess this is kind of what made me wish I had never ever stepped foot in this dining room tonight, "Shut up Ashley. You're just like this piece of shit right here, and you know it. What the fuck do you think a mother is supposed to do when she's constantly finding new girls in her daughters bed, or finding said daughter half dead. Better yet, the drugs. Don't even mention the drugs. You're a fucking piece of shit. Sometimes I wish you would have cut a little deeper that night. You think you're better than this family? Well you aren't, fucking coke head." _

_I don't know if it was the gasp that came from Kyla's mouth of the intensity of my father's scream that got me to finally sense realization. My face turned white and I felt the pressure behind my eyes telling me the tears were forming. My dad began screaming at my mother, the usual HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT crap. I love him for defending me but right now there's nothing. I looked down to see Spencer staring at a piece of cheese on her plate, clearly trying to avoid the situation at hand._

_"I think I'm going to be excused. Um, thanks for dinner. Good night." I practically whispered amongst the screams flying in room. With that I walked towards my bedroom. The tears were welling up in my eyes. I know I hate her but it still hurt so much._

That leads us to here now. It was a 10 second comment that destroyed my evening. I pass by Kyla's door seeing the light on from her television. It was about 9:30 at this point and I slid by quietly going towards the back door.

Spencer's POV:

"Hey did you hear that?" I asked Kyla.

I was staying here the night even though Ashley told me to leave for two reasons. Firstly, Kyla said she didn't want to be alone, and I was worried about Ashley. I know she said she'd be fine but I need to make sure. I'm scared of what she might do.

"Hear what? All I hear is the TV girl, you're crazy"

"No it sounded like the door opening and closing. I think from downstairs. Should we go see who it is?" I had been listening intently to hear any sort of sound from Ashley's room.

"Um if you want? I guess maybe Ashley went out back or something." She replied with a turned head, "Hey Spence, I just want you to know, I get why you stayed and it means a lot that you care for her so much. She needs that you know?"

I smiled, "It's not a big deal at all you know that. I just feel like she needs a friend to be there for her."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. But, well, if you don't mind me asking, are you and Ashley just friends? Cos I mean I get some tension from you two all the time. It just seems like it would be right, if you don't mind my saying so."

Hearing Kyla say that really made me smile. It felt good that she would see me a good fit for her sister. "I guess I don't really know yet, but I should try and find out huh?" I headed for the door, "I'm going to check on her, see if that was her who went outside."

"Alrighty, I'll be waiting!" Kyla said with a knowing smile.

Walking down the stairs I see the red shine of fire from outside the glass doors.

"Hey Ash.." I said nervously, not wanting to make her upset. She sat there smoking a cigarette, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, shaking her leg awfully fast, "You must be cold it's really chilly outside tonight."

"Oh, Hi. What are you still doing here I thought you went home." She said before mechanically before sniffing. I guess maybe she had been crying.

"Well Kyla didn't want to be alone and well, honestly, I wanted to make sure you were fine." I sat against the wall next to her, putting my head against the concrete.

"Spencer, I don't need somebody to make sure I'm not trying to kill myself again. Which by the way, there's that new information for you. Yeah I'm a fucking crazy who slit her wrists and lived to tell about it, unfortunately. Now you know the story behind the drug addict."

"Ashley you aren't a drug addict don't say that" I guess it seemed funny I would try to say that as she has a big bong next to her head. I felt wrong to assume she was on some other sort of drug though, she just wasn't acting right, "Besides I'm not here to make sure you don't kill yourself. I'm here because I want to be there for you. I know you think nobody cares but I do and I know Kyla does also."

"Like you even know shit about me." Her voice was cold, harsh. I'd never even seen her eyes that dark before, "I don't need your pity attention and shit. I'm fine on my own. I was fine before you showed up I'll be fine once you're gone."

I sat there trying to understand what she was trying to tell me. I didn't know if she was just pushing me away or if she honestly didn't want me around. "Ash..." came from my mouth as I tried to grab her hand.

" Ow! Fuck Spencer!" She screamed jerking the wrist I had touched away. She stood up and threw her cigarette in the grass, "If I wanted you to care about me and help me I would have asked alright? So mind your fucking business." She grabbed her bong and walked inside, slamming the door behind her. I was genuinely awestruck. I felt myself break inside a little bit which I know was so stupid. I've found myself wanting to know everything about her, wanting to save her, but if she doesn't want me to how can I? I felt defeated.


End file.
